Monday, March 12, 2012


In order to advance this shit, I will make calls on all of the sweet 16 matchups right now, and if other panelists or commenters care to dispute me, then we'll have ourselves a good ole debate. Otherwise, I will try to get the momentum going on this and get to the point where we can finally settle this once and for all. The "Street" matchups are a little more difficult, but for the most part this should pretty much be chalk:
Kima vs. McNutty: Obviously McNulty
Carver vs. Colvin: Carver by a fairly wide margin in my opinion. Though Bunny is a very solid character, Carver is too central/badass/entertaining to fall to him here.
Bunk vs. Carcetti: In the meeting of the voracious philanderers, Bunk advances after lighting Carcetti's clothes on fire. If there is any question here, just consider how much bigger Bunk's dong is.
Prez vs. Lester: Lester is so awesome. Prez came into his own, but Lester pees all over his face in this matchup.
Marlo vs. Michael: This would probably be the most interesting matchup of this bunch. I know we have some hard core Marlo supporters out there, so I think he would ultimately get the nod, but I really think I might go with my boy Mike here if we were to hash it out. I will advance Marlo here under the assumption that he would win out, but if we are going to discuss in detail any of these matchups, this should be it.
Omar vs. Chris: Sorry, Partlow. Omar comin. All over your upper lip and a little on your dreadlocks for good measure.
Avon vs. Bodie: Bodie deserves his spot here in the sweet 16, and against an easier matchup he might have even been elite 8 material. Unfortunately the sentimental favorite matches up against someone who indisputably belongs at least among the last 8 standing. Avon moves on.
Wee-Bey vs. String: Bey is hilarious and despite being a hardcore soldier, he somehow comes off as very likable, especially when he gives his gump-ass son up to Colvin. But String is destined for a matchup with his partner. He advances.
SO, in my rogue elite 8 we have:

McNulty vs. Carver
Bunk vs. Lester  
Marlo vs. Omar
Avon vs. Stringer

Comments and/or screams for a redo are welcome. Before I conclude this post, I would like to extend a special thanks to the commenters that have stuck with us even after being MIA for months. Much obliged.

Thursday, March 8, 2012


As the contributors of this blog already know, Bill Simmons and his dirty little cronies at Grantland have completely pilfered the idea behind this blog. As expected, they are butchering it completely, offering little analysis beyond the simplistic blatherings of the Simmons underlings, who are predictably terrible. We sent Simmons a link to COTW multiple times when we first started up over 2 years ago to no response, so this "coincidence" that they just "happened" upon this idea seems incredibly suspect. I feel like Cutty from the Cut, naively handing over the stash only to see it snatched up and being left with nothing. Perhaps this is karmic retribution for thinking that a slimy little clowncock like Simmons would help us out, but seeing the Wire-loving audience who WE were trying to reach be infected by this hackjob has both enraged me and inspired me to finish what we started here once and for all. Hopefully those that appreciate the idea behind this tournament will leave the Grantland debacle feeling unsatisfied, seek out something better, and find us. I cannot speak for the other contributors here, but I hope we can rise up in the face of this tragedy and finally fulfill this blog's purpose. Pass the Pandemic and lets get this shit done.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Thursday, May 5, 2011


Gotta be McNutty. Probably the single most important character, excepting Season 4. But even him being left out of that season for the most part is important . . . only a show as awesome as The Wire could put the lead character in the background for an entire season.

Welcome Home Poe House

McNulty loses this battle but he wins the war:


Great White Hope

Looking at the bracket, McNulty is my lone choice for a white character to make it to the finals. Sorry to offer a spoiler on my opinion of Carcetti or Prez.

As for a matchup against Kima, I hate to see her go out. But the show literally begins and ends with McNulty. If I had teenage kids who happened to come across the show, I'd be worried about the influence McNulty would have on them, because he makes being a drunk disrespectful asshole seem like the way to be. There were points where I would watch and think, "I wanna go on a McNulty bender, crash my car into a cement pillar, then go plow a waitress." Or even let Jameson improve the doing of even the most mundane tasks, like putting together Ikea bunkbeds for your kids. But those may just be my demons. Kima has her moments here and there: her primary relationship with Bubbles, the occasional lesbian scene, and a nice monologue of Baltimore's version of Goodnight Moon. But she's not as important as Jimmy to the show, she's not as entertaining to watch, and she's not as good as Jimmy at her job. From here on out, I'm applying a seven game series methodology to each matchup even though this bracket was based on a single elimination tournament. Out of respect for Kima, I give her a couple wins, but this goes to McNulty in 6.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

McNulty vs. Kima

The Sweet 16 begins.

Winner: Stringer

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Levy, aka the "David Stern of the Wire," had some great moments, but Stringer was a true mastermind. I also thought Levy embarrassed himself during the Bird trial. His cross-examination of Omar was pitiful, and he let his emotions get the best of him. Gotta have some poise.

Monday, April 25, 2011


Stringer takes all here . . . way more important to the plot and more interesting. Levy does serve a necessary purpose in the show, though: letting viewers know that thugs could not do what they do without enabling attorneys.


Obviously not even close. Not worth even rationalizing. Jew Lawyer is a great character, but he doesn't deserve to stand with Strang.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Friday, April 15, 2011


Lester is the smartest person in the history of television.
Lester is the best police officer in the history of television.
Lester is the best police officer in the history of police.

Read the following quote:
"You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like, Dude, can't handle it, unplug this bastard because yeah, it fires in a way that is maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm."
Charlie didn't know it but he was talking about Lester Freeman.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


It's pretty shocking that Rawls has made it this far. He plays his role as the prototypical dickhead (with the pretty pointless gay thing thrown in there) well, but compared to Freamon he is a fucking ant. Freamon, after a slow start as the silent weirdo miniature furniture maker, becomes undeniably one of the best characters on the show. He plays the straight guy for the most part, but he also loves to drink and bang strippers. He is truly good police and deserves consideration for top character. Rawls is not and does not.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Freamon is a dynamic character who stays interesting throughout the show. He is also a likeable character, being good police and serving as a mentor to younger officers. While Freamon takes a step off the reservation with Jimmy in Season 5, his actions are certainly understandable.
Rawls remains the same dickhead throughout. He kisses the ass of those above him while making life miserable for those below him. He's gotta go.

Round 2: Bill Rawls vs. Lester Freemon

Anyone care to vote?

Wee Bey

"Remember who the fuck you talking to right here. Remember who I am. My word is still my word. In here, in Baltimore, in any place you can think of calling home, it'll be my word that finds you."

Monday, April 11, 2011

Wire characters in the NBA

Given that the NBA and the Wire are my two favorite forms of entertainment, I decided to combine the two. In anticipation of the upcoming NBA playoffs, here is my list of NBA players past and present and their Wire counterparts.

Michael Jordan- Marlo- MJ made waves early in his career as undeniably driven and amazingly skilled, and the establishment was slow to welcome him. Just as the Barksdales initially regarded Marlo as a young punk not on their level, the league’s stars froze the tongue wagging, baggy short wearing Jordan out of the all star game. Eventually, he proved his chops and earned the crown. By the beginning of the 90s, Jordan was thought of on par with other stars of the time like Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. However, like Marlo after dissolving the Co-op, MJ eventually grew far bigger than everyone else in his league. “His name was his name” and if you had besmirched it, you’d better watch out, whether you were his high school coach or Bryon Russell. His antiseptic, take-no-prisoners leadership style eventually led some of those around him to snitch to the media (see “The Jordan Rules”). His life was so built around being on top, once out of the game, he felt out of place. Jordan’s comeback with the Wizards evokes memories of Marlo’s scuffle with the corner boys at the end of Season 5; even though he would never hold the crown again, he was only comfortable when he was competing for it.

Scottie Pippen- Chris: MJ’s championships and MVP trophies would not have been possible without Pippen. He was an all NBA defensive player and could fill it up when he needed to. He had the talent and intelligence to be the top dog on another contender, but, like Chris, his personality will be more suited to being an all time great #2, and that is how he will be remembered.

Allen Iverson- Omar: Like Omar, AI spent most of his career as a lone wolf, never powerful enough to take down the crown holder on his own, but always a force to be reckoned with. His collaborations were short lived and often didn't succeed to expectations. He lived by a code: practice didn't matter ("Practice?"), but he always gave everything he had in games. His code may not have made sense to commentators who thought practice important and disdained his cornrows and tattoos, just as many found Omar a morally reprehensible murderous robber or mocked his homosexuality, but each always went to bed happy, having done right by himself. Iverson's ability to get into the lane and get shots up over players a foot taller strained credulity and brought to mind Omar's jump from a fourth story apartment and continued ability to terrorize Marlo's crew while hobbling around West Baltimore on a crutch.

LeBron James- Stringer: LeBron has never made a secret of his desire to be a business icon. During an ESPN interview early in his career, LeBron said he wanted to be “the richest man in the world.” His decision to leave Cleveland to “take his talents to South Beach” left him unpopular in his native Ohio, “a man without a country.” His desire to be a businessman seems to detract from his devotion to his game, and, as a result, it is doubtful whether he will ever achieve the basketball potential his freakish body gives him.

Hakeem Olajuwon- Avon: Had to go back a little bit for this one, but the Avon of the NBA had to be defensive minded and the NBA's best player at some point. Olajuwon was both. He defended his territory (the paint) as fiercely as Avon defended his corners. Olajuwon was the NBA's best during Jordan's retirement, and his team won two NBA titles. "The Dream" was a cold blooded killer as well, as shown by his absolute decimation of David Robinson during the 95 Western Conference Finals.

Dwayne Wade- Prop Joe: Like Joe, Wade is popular and well liked. Wade’s unification of James and Chris Bosh in Miami with the intent to dominate the NBA is similar to Prop Joe uniting Stringer and Kintel Williams, among others, in the New Day Co-op to ensure safety and profitability for all parties. Like the Co-op, the Wade-James-Bosh Heat may enjoy stints at the top, but it appears that others who aspire to the crown will also have their shot.

Tim Duncan- Gus: Tim Duncan is a great defender, as fundamentally sound as a player can get on both ends, clean cut, never controversial, and a genuinely good guy. He is undoubtedly the best power forward in NBA history, has won 3 championships, and has stayed true to small market San Antonio. Like Gus, he is everything that, in theory, a fan would want. However, also like Gus, in practice fans have found him boring and, worse, a sanctimonious whiner.

Paul Pierce- Daniels: Pierce and Daniels both carried around bad guy reputations for a large part of their careers. Years of playing on a bad Boston team had frustrated Pierce. He was by far the best player on his team and took a great deal of his team’s shots, leading many to think him selfish. However, when the Celtics traded for Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, he emerged as the driving force on a championship team. As Daniels transformed into the smart, hard working, loyal, and passionately dedicated leader of the unit once he was surrounded by skilled and passionate officers like McNulty and Freamon, so did Pierce find dormant leadership skills once Garnett and Allen joined the Cs.

Kevin Garnett- Freamon: As Freamon was a great cop who spent most of his career in the pawn shop unit not doing actual policework, Garnett spent most of his career on a bad Minnesota team. When united with Pierce and Allen, Garnett emerged as a mentor to younger teammates and a key player in the Celtics chemistry, just as Freamon helped mentor Pryz and Sydnor. Like Freamon, KG is intensely competitive, which sometimes leads him to do things that tarnish his good guy image.

Derrick Coleman- Roland Pryzbylewski: Coleman and Pryz were both seen as malcontents in their first careers. Pryz was a knucklehead cop, prone to brutality complaints and awful mistakes of judgment. During his NBA career, Coleman was lazy, often out of shape, and had a reputation as a locker room cancer. However, it turned out both were just ill suited to their first jobs and became stars once they found their true calling, Pryz as a caring and talented teacher and Derrick Coleman as a businessman, community leader, and Detroit Public Schools’ Commissioner of Athletics.

Shaquille O’Neal- Bunk Moreland- Big, happy, and gregarious, and often out of shape, Bunk and the Big Aristotle/Cactus/Shamrock are never at a loss for friends or one liners. Both love a good time, which no doubt played a part in their divorces. However, once they step into uniform, Bunk and Shaq have a strong drive that led them to the top of their chosen professions.

Kobe Bryant- Jimmy McNulty- Kobe and Jimmy are both intensely competitive. Jimmy wants only to bring in good cases, and his life is a competition against the drug dealers he chases. Kobe cares only about championships and being the best player in the NBA. Their intense desire to win led each to be the unquestioned best in his field for many years. However, it also alienates those close to them, and each has had significant trouble with their spouses and friends. Kobe and Shaq were once partners, as were Jimmy and Bunk, but Jimmy/Kobe’s desire to win no matter what drove away Shaq/Bunk. Both experienced partial reconciliation, but it is doubtful either pair will ever be as close as they once were.

Kevin Durant- Slim Charles: These tall, lanky guys have both risen to the top fairly recently, and both seem to combine the good qualities of past crown holders. Slim has the business acumen of Stringer, the desire for collaboration of Prop Joe, and the street smarts of Avon. Durant combines Duncan's small market loyalty and good guy personality with the scoring ability and entertainment value of guys like Kobe and Jordan and Garnett's camaraderie boosting leadership abilities. However, this early on, it is hard to tell what kind of top dog these guys will be, what weaknesses they may ultimately have, and how long their run at the top will last.

Derrick Rose- Each has some dirt in his past: Carver began the series as a young hotheaded police officer, and Rose's spurious SAT scores led to the nullification of Memphis's Final Four appearance in 2007. However, each eventually blossomed into a star and the type of leader his position demanded: cares passionately about winning, but also wants those around him to feel valued and be able to achieve their potential.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Back up in your ass with the resurrection.

Every couple months I come back here hoping that someone magically posted something new. We really should finish this at some point. We got so close only to be turned away at the most important part. Our loyal fan base (us) deserves better. I shit atomically.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I miss the wire. "Pandemic"